The truth is that I talk to myself a lot. I have a LOT of writings stored on paper, in journals, in a closet, under boxes. Plus so many journals started since I put all that stuff away. I have a lot of half written stuff in folders on this laptop. In google docs, in a dropbox folder. I do not lack for writings. I lack for belief in my own writings. For seeing them as anything other than crap.
So much of those writings is just me talking to myself. Complaining about my duties as a mother, complaining about the frustrations of being a human, unloading the baggage I was born with. And I find all of that really really boring. It is really really boring.
Yet within all that writing I know there is something else. Another voice, one of wisdom. A voice who talks to me and says things like “Honor this journey.” A voice in me that reaches through all the muck and complaining and says “You're doing okay” and “Here's your next step.”
I have heard it said that a good artist knows what to throw away. And I believe this whole heartedly. I feel like as artists we tend to create and create and create (in my case write and write and write) and we store up all the stuff that comes out of us because maybe we can use it. But then our space gets cramped and we can't move and we can't see our hands for the piles of papers they are sitting amongst.
We can't hear our voice of wisdom for all the whining that is happening in our own heads (not unlike standing in my kitchen under the barrage of 3 children all needing something and finding ourselves unable to deliver on any one of their needs).
This 30 day blogging journey is bringing me into conflict with myself. I find that first I complain, then I get mad at myself for not having something better to say, then I don't want to write or look at my words at all, because nothing is every good enough for (some part of) me, and then I shut down.
This blogging journey is me working through that. This journey is about me cutting through the crap and getting to the voice of wisdom as efficiently as possible. I am writing through this and I am letting you see into the mess that is me.
Because I am a mess of so many emotions and opinions and ideas and love and frustrations, just like you. And among it all, among all the things I want to throw away there is this beautiful voice of reason, wisdom, and clarity that is me and is also not me and I want to live with her by my side. I want to live in the that voice. I want to offer that voice to the world after I am comfortable owning it for myself.
May our inner conflicts cease. May we fill with love.